The names and daycare name have been changed to protect the parties involved, until given ample time to respond.
This week was a rough week at daycare. Braden had a toy stolen, was hit on the forehead with a fisted wood block and was bitten on the arm. These kids are vicious. Now, don’t tell me that this is how young children act. Braden is a kind, sweet boy who shares, plays nice and compliments other children. Even when he is being picked on or abused, he handles it in the most mature, well-behaved manner. I work with Braden on his people skills and ability to handle difficult situations. This bullying is one topic we address regularly. We role play so that he knows how to handle these situations when they arise. I’ve witnessed him put our lessons to use.
One day when I dropped Braden off at school, I hung back to watch him interact with the other kids. I always find this heart-meltingly precious. Braden had brought a Bumble Bee mask to school for show and tell. Bully #1, Gage, had tried to take it from his face. Braden said, “no, I’m using it now. You have to wait your turn.” The kid tried to take it again. Braden protested and proceeded to walk away calmly after stating, “I don’t want to play with you because you aren’t being nice.” And then what? What did I see? This little bully walked right up behind Braden and kicked him in his butt. Hard. With a look of intended harm on his face. I was the only one who saw it. Braden, who hadn’t known I was there watching him play/get bullied, caught a glimpse of me and ran over to tell me what happened. I informed the teacher, who in turn, had a talk with Gage. And that was it. That wasn’t the first instance of physical abuse, and certainly wouldn’t be the last. After Thursday’s biting incident (the last of the three this week), I was concerned. I spoke with the teacher who informed me that the best she can do is keep an eye out, report all incidents, and supervise the children and discipline for poor behavior, but she cannot offer any specific solution. She advised I talk with the assistant center director, Jennifer; which I did. And by reading the letter I sent to the center director, you will see the outcome, or lack thereof.
Hi Christine [center director],
This is Braden’s mom, Lauren. I spoke to Jennifer [assistant center director] briefly on Thursday, but not to my satisfaction, now that I’ve had some time to think about it. Braden has been being bullied in class. I’m very concerned about his wellbeing and safety. The bullying includes teasing, mean comments, stealing his belongings and physical abuse. As he began reporting these things and we got the first few incident reports, I was shocked that 3- and 4-year olds behave this way, but didn’t think it to be extreme, and figured it would work itself out. By now, however, it has gotten excessive.
Gage has told Braden he is not awesome, he is a loser and his things/clothes are not cool. He has kicked Braden, stolen one of his cars and hit Braden in the face – THAT I KNOW OF. David has bitten Braden’s butt, pummeled his forehead with a wood block and teased him that his house is small and he doesn’t have a house – whatever that means to a 3- or 4-year-old. Finally (and this is a one-timer, that I’m less concerned about), Bobby bit his arm and broke skin/drew blood. There may be other incidents we are not aware of as well. After all, I had witnessed the kicking when I was in the room and no one else had noticed.
I send my kid to XYZ Daycare to be cared for and socialize with other children. These kids are unruly. The teachers have told me that Braden is a good boy who doesn’t provoke this and handles it well when it happens. I am very proud of him, but also very concerned. Where is the line drawn? What is the policy for children abusing other children in your center? It seems to me that these mean kids should be removed.
My understanding is that Braden is not the only victim of the bullying. Child care is a priviledge, not a right. If parents cannot raise their children in an environment that produces well-behaved, well-socialized children, it doesn’t seem right that the good kids should suffer.
I understand that all preschool-aged kids, mine included, will act out from time-to-time. However, those who routinely put other children in physical and emotional danger should lose the right to attend the center. I am considering pulling Braden from XYZ Daycare if there is not an acceptable solution.
When I approached Jennifer on this on Thursday, her response was, “unfortunately, those are the kids that Braden chooses to hang out with.” Well, that just doesn’t sit well with me. Braden is three years old. There are a handful of boys in the class. From what I’ve seen, they all hang out and play together throughout the day. To put this back on my kid is just plain unacceptable.
I have been happy with XYZ Daycare on every other level. I think that the work you do is the work of saints, and I do not hold you personally accountable. I would like to point out that my intent is not to insult Jennifer or make a complaint about her, specifically. I like her and think she is great with my child. We are lucky to have her in his life. I realize that you must conduct your center according to rules that are imposed upon you. I need to understand what those rules are and what will happen going forward in order to make a decision that is best for my son.
Please respond via email or call me directly to discuss.
Thank you, Christine.
Lauren
Has anyone had any experiences like this, or know someone who has? Any advice on how to handle the situation going forward? Please, I could use your help!
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Jennifer’s response is typical. Every single bullying story I have heard ends with the bullied child finally retaliating in frustration … and everyone, including the bullied child, gets in trouble. It seems that little, if anything, is done prior to that point.
Have you ever had occasion to meet the child’s parents? I experienced a child who was somewhat a bully whose parents were the kindest people … but they raised their child to believe that his was the center of the world, and they spoiled him rotten. It’s possible that Braden’s tormentor’s parents will accept a tactful report of what he’s been doing and try to get him to behave properly. Perhaps you could ask for a meeting with the center director and the parents?
And, then again, they might not. At which point, if you get no satisfaction, I would suggest you start interviewing other schools who give you answers about handling bullying that are satisfactory to you.
These are my thoughts … perhaps someone who has been through this and come out the other end successfully will have better advice. Good luck.
Thanks for your input mom. Great points and good advice. I have some reservations about talking to the parents for reasons not mentioned in this post.
First being that the daycare gives both the parents of the victim and the offender the incident reports. The parents are already aware of the behavior and must not be doing anything to correct it. Secondly, I have a theory that this type of behavior, at such a young age, is strictly learned in the home environment. I don’t think children this young are inherently bad. My assumption is that they are living in a home where this type of behavior is the norm or is not dealt with in a way that is effective. Perhaps day-in and day-out, they witness their dad be physically or emotionally abusive to their mom, or their parents are verbally abusive to them, or they are constantly picked on by an older sibling. If this theory is correct, then a “talking to” from these parents would have no impact on the childrens’ behavior, as the parents are setting an example that would contradict their words.
Mom, I’d like to discuss this with you further off line. Thanks again for your comment! Love you!
Taekwondo!!!
Kudos to you Lauren on how you are raising your darling little Braden! What a wonderful world this would be if all parents were as loving and nurturing as you are! Unfortunately, some parents don’t appreciate what is involved in molding their tiny creations into socially acceptable individuals. As a parent, I’ve witness my children being on the receiving end of these bullies. It’s heartbreaking and anger invoking. Armed with the skills you’ve taught Braden, I think he’ll do just fine. These bullies, after all, are strengthening Braden’s character. Rather than the teacher chiding Braden for hanging around with these little brats, it should be encouraged, maybe Braden’s good manners will rub off on them. The preschool should have a policy in place, if a child continues his/her poor behavior after three warnings to the parents, then he/she should be removed!
I received an email from Christine [center director] this morning. I was pleased that her response was prompt, and she agreed that the matter needed prompt attention as well. Today, she spoke to the teachers to get more information and she conducted classroom observation. I am so far satisfied with her response. We are scheduled to talk tomorrow as a follow-up. Keep an eye out. I will post an update.
Good for you for saying something! I think it’s hard for the teachers too because my friend is a teacher and she said when she would try talk to the parents about their kid picking, or hitting other kids, she would basically be called a lair and that their little Johnny would never hit someone. Either way, it is their job and it should be taken care of. This issue has been in schools for too long and affects too many kids. This starts in preschool and finally by high school they can’t take it anymore…..and as someone else stated earlier, somehow the poor kid getting picked on always seems in a worse spot if they tell.
Maybe the best solution is to teach our nice kids how to stick up for themselves. Like, how to say no with authority. Oprah had an episode on this topic!
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