My Journey of Self Repair and Renewal

This is longer than I’d like a blog post to be, but I don’t think I could say it any other way.

I like to read. Not as much as I like to write, but I really do like to read. Many years ago, during a time that I can only faintly remember if I shove my way through the boxes labeled “Moving”, “Short Sale”, “Layoff”, “Dating”, “Divorce”, “Marriage Counseling” and “Baby” in the archive room of my brain, I read light material – romance novels, chick lit, humor, and oh! the pages and pages of Cosmo, People, Redbook, InStyle, Details, Us, Real Simple, Maxim, You Name It. But then, about a year before my divorce, I began searching for something within. I was in need of self repair and the only place I could think to start looking was in other people’s words. Someone must have gone through what I was embarking upon and come out the other side. Someone must have encouraging words, inspiring stories, insightful wisdom. So I read a load of self help books, memoirs, faith-based books, online journals, new age material, The Bible.

As a fairly choosy reader, it’s not uncommon for me to pick up a book that my friends have raved about, only to put it down after the first few pages because if the writing is bad, I could care less about the content. [A flood of authors' names just ran through my head.] Aside from that, when it comes to soul searching, some material is going to move a person, and other material is for someone else’s soul. So after two years of reading in this soul searching/self improvement genre, I had read a lot that I couldn’t apply, and a few great pieces. Combine my external study with my internal study and the result is a happily divorced 30-year-old women with a 3-year-old, a wonderful new home, an amazing partner in love, and a drive to do the best I can at being ME. What I took away from that two years of self repair was a new passion for life.

Through this process, I had come up with a few guiding principles by which to live my life. My personal values were melded with lessons learned from my reading. My entire perspective had changed. (Not as a result of reading guidelines to follow or life how-tos – I’m not that impressionable. But due to the knowledge I had gained through experience and the wisdom of others who had related experiences.) Essentially, I value health, wealth, love, making a positive contribution, and living a harmonious life. According to one of my favorite books, “On Becoming Fearless” by Arianna Huffington, living in harmony means that what you say and do match what you think and feel. For many years, I had not lived this way. I swallowed my truth. I settled for mediocrity. I lost my voice. But now, I make it a priority to ensure that I am always living in harmony. This value defines me more than any other. I will never be untrue to myself again. If ever I feel I have to alter what I say and do regardless of what I think or feel in order to be successful (whether the situation be personal or professional) I have to find a way to remove myself from that situation.

The other very valuable lesson I learned from that book first, and then found supported in future reading and in my heart, is that you know you are in a good relationship if you like who you are becoming when you are with that person. Without this turning into an article about what was wrong with my marriage, I will say that, although my ex was a great guy, he was clearly was not the guy for me; in order for the relationship to be successful, I had to alter who I was. I was not living a harmonious life. And I certainly did not like who I was becoming when I was with him.

Another couple of books by Don Miguel Ruiz were very powerful influences in my revised perspective on life. The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love are two books diseminating essentially the same toltec wisdom: Break the chains of expectations and live your life for you – free of judgement, shame, reserve, etc. The Four Agreements are: 1. Be Impeccable with Your Word, 2. Don’t Take Anything Personally, 3. Don’t Make Assumptions and 4. Always Do Your Best. These agreements are presented as a contract that you must make with yourself to break free from the “shoulds” that have been instilled in you since birth. They are to encourage you to use pure love to guide your life. These are effective guiding principles for beckoning the You inside to reveal herself.

Some of the faith-based reading I did, including Scripture (don’t worry – I’m not going to get all Christian on you), pointed me toward an understanding that I can’t heal until I hurt. I had gone through the break down of my marriage with little emotion. Because the divorce was something I wanted in order to improve my life, I didn’t feel much sadness. It took months until I felt the pain. And then I just resolved to feel it good. Real good. Gut wreching pain. Because I had to go there before I could get where I am today. It was part of the healing process – part of the self-repair.

While I feel rather content with my life these days and proud of who I am and the strides I’ve made toward discovering and embracing Me, it doesn’t stop here. It is easy to fall back into old habits. It’s much easier to suck it up rather than face it head on when you don’t agree with something. It is easy to blame others, take offense, be sinful with your words, get caught in a relationship where you don’t recognize that You are disappearing. It is easy to fall off the wagon.

I prefer to hold myself accountable for being ME. In doing so, I ensure my personal wellbeing. I ensure that Braden will have a strong role model. And I ensure that no matter what consequences I suffer, I do it because I acted according to my own convictions. And as long as I do that, I can hold my head up high and I can sleep at night (well, not this week, but y’know). Which is why I need to renew. People renew business contracts, gym memberships, club store accounts. But we don’t think to renew ourselves. I like to do a personal check-in a couple times a year. Where am I struggling? Where am I excelling? What values have I not been exhibiting? What agreements have I broken? When I check in with myself – when I really dedicate time to put thought to it – I usually discover a few examples of times I was not true to myself, or not impeccable with my word, or blocking out emotional pain. During this process, I make note of my shortcomings and vow to course correct. I re-read The Four Agreements annually in order to renew my commitment to them. I wish someone could measure my behavior and personality just after I read the book versus just prior to reading it again. I’m certain that after reading the book, I am more content, more confident, and more passionate about life. A year later, just before reading it again, I’d probably be much less enthused. This is why self renewal is so important. If we don’t stay on top of ourselves, if we don’t hold ourselves accountable – who will?

The benefit of self-renewal is that when you take inventory of yourself, you get to discover new things as well as replenish the old. Over the course of the last two years, I’ve discovered motherhood in all its glorious beauty and love in its truest form. I’ve discovered chick lit again. I’ve discovered that I love to take long walks and that I don’t really like television all that much, but I love good movies! This was all new to me. And I keep revealing myself to, well, myself. There are things that I knew were hiding in there as well, but they are working their way out. I knew I was chatty, animated, sometimes loud, a little bit clumsy, off-humored, a big eater, a social butterfly, etc. I just didn’t realize I should embrace those traits rather than try to hide or correct them. So this is me, loud and proud. Want to get to know me with me?