If ever there was a man who knew how to injure himself in the most obscure ways, it was my father. (As an aside, he hasn’t passed, he’s just mellowed in retirement. Now stuff finds him and causes injury in obscure ways.) Here, I share a few of Frank’s most noteable injures.
1. The Patch.
When I was in grade school dad came home from work with a patch on his eye. “Daddy! What happened?” But he wouldn’t tell us. Not me and my sister, and not my mom. He wore that patch for weeks and to this day, 20+ years later, he will not tell us. All we know is that he visited the ER. Because my dad tends to do some rather, er, embarassing things, we’ve concluded he won’t tell because it’s just downright stupid. Or maybe because he enjoys torturing us with the secret – you never know with him. I’m guessing he poked himself in the eye with a pencil or something. Any other guesses?
2. Blood Flood.
Pertinant preliminary information: Frank is a prankster.
Frank is a pretty handy guy. He knows how to do just about anything. Building, plumbing, paving, landscaping, electric work, drywalling, flooring and whatever else there is. He’s a hard worker who burned both ends of the night right up until retirement. He is not a business man, but he took his shot as an entrepreneur once (that I know of). He and a buddy started a business doing sidework installing something or another that helps prevent flooding during heavy rain. Our last name starts with an N. The buddy’s last name starts with an O. This information is relevant only because it resulted in a very clever name for their business cards: N.O. Flood.
The story goes like this: Jimmy and Frank were in a basement on a job. They were doing whatever it is that guys do when preventing floods. I’m guessing they weren’t doing it too well, because there was water all over the floor. Frank was handling a chain saw [I'm sure you see where this is going]. This is why OSHA exists: the chain saw was on an extension cord. The extension cord was laying in the water. The water got in the socket. The electricity got in my dad. My dad shaked stiffly. Jimmy thought my dad was kidding. My dad jumped back to pull the cord from the wall, forgetting the saw was on an extension cord. All the while, the saw was working it’s way through my dad’s thigh. Blood everywhere. The injury was ER worthy, but thankfully, the saw did not hit bone. At the time, this was not funny. But now, just picturing him there with saw in hand – zz zz zz zz zz zz – with his friend just laughing at him is kind of amusing — if you know Frank.
3. Sled Leg.
Frankie had a day off during the winter so he and my uncle took my sister sledding. As you may guess, Frank isn’t really known for making safe decisions. Rather than using a nice red plastic sled with yellow cord handles, he had to use the antique wood sled with red metal runners. Going down the hill with my bundled little sister at the front of the sled, his foot got stuck between a large rock and the metal runner. The sled kept going but the foot stayed wedged behind. Calling out in excruciating pain, he ordered my uncle to run to the house and get the car. ER – here we come! Broken ankle, leg broken in about a million places, metal plate and screws, casted toe to upper thigh. Home from work for six months in 1987 with limited mobility would probably result in an MTV addiction for just about anyone, don’t you think?
Those are the three ridiculous injuries I remember best. Family and friends who can recall others, please do share in the comments.
Click here to read more funny Frank stories.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
C’mon Frank– what happened to the eye???
Well. Where should I begin? I know Frank quite well.
1. The time he tried to poke a hole in a tennis ball with an awl and managed to stab himself severely in the hand.
2. The time he tried to flatten some metal pipe with a sledgehammer; he hit the pipe on the end, whereupon the pipe shot up into the air and hit him in the head, knocking him down and causing him to “see stars.”
3. The time he overloaded the dump truck and turned it over on its side when the sand shifted while he made a sharp turn. Entire left side of his body lost a couple layers of skin.
To be fair, some things just happen to him: the cat bit him in the ankle, copious amounts of blood, trip to ER, IV antibiotics and limping for 2 weeks. A month later, stung by red ants, had allergic reaction, went to ER, was kept overnight for observation to be sure he hadn’t also had a heart attack.
Someone should write a book!
Man! You just outwrote me on my own blog! Those are GREAT ones. I didn’t even know about them!
And the last two are what I was referring to when I mentioned that now things find him to injure him in obscure ways.
Thanks for sharing, Mom!
BTW – I do intend to write a book about him someday.
Sally, do you remember the time at Blackhawk Ridge when we decided to take a ride on the lovely Wisconsin River? – Gordy and I in one canoe and you and Frank in another. Unbeknownst to us, due to a lack of rainfall, the River was quite low that year. On our journey, we dodged many sandbars and at times had to actually get out and push/pull the canoes. With the end of our arduous trip in sight, Gordy and I paddled to shore and stepped out into knee-high water. Meanwhile, Frank managed to find the only part of the River with deep and fast running water at which to disembark. Somehow, while trying to join us on shore, the canoe tipped over, pinning you and him under the canoe in the overhanging bushes. Frank was desperately trying to save the canoe and you. Fortunately, with all the thrashing, you both managed to make it to shore. We were on shore laughing because we thought you were goofing around, playing in the water, cooling off.
Still waiting Frank………..
Stop holding your breath, Doug. Sometimes you have to let go of the dream. And don’t encourage him!! What are you doing, encouraging him!?? This is the kind of anticipation he thrives off of. Comments like yours are why he does this sh*t!
{ 2 trackbacks }