Old Lauren

Okay, it’s time.  You need to meet her.  If you don’t, the Lauren you have grown to know and love here (too presumptuous?) is out of context.  So, without further ado, I’d like to introduce…

Old Lauren.

Old Lauren ironed her sheets.  She walked around stripping her husband and baby down of the clothes on their person so ALL of the laundry could be done.  She couldn’t go to sleep with a dirty dish in the sink or a throw pillow out of place.  She once asked a guest to an evening get together at her apartment to stop and pick up candles from Pier 1.  YES!  That’s what I said.  The friend called and asked if she could bring anything.  Old Lauren thought, “yeah, can you go get some candles at Pier 1?” was an appropriate response.  HELLO!?  Ever hear of ice, or a 2-liter of coke??

Old Lauren hated meeting new people, was anxious to leave social events, was too self-conscious to make conversation or dance without a little liquid encouragement.  She treated her parents and sister as though they were a burden.  She was overly concerned with keeping up with the Joneses.  She was a “my way or the highway” kind of person and she was a judgemental know-it-all. 

Now, to be fair to her, she wasn’t all bad all the time.  She had friends she was close with and still had a good time on occasion.  She got along pretty well with her husband, and when the baby came along, she was a natural mommy.  But generally speaking, Old Lauren was a stick in the mud.  In order to really understand Old Lauren, you’d have to meet Old Old Lauren.  Old Old Lauren was a fun, quirky, loud, outgoing, funny teenager with a lot of friends and a great family.  She embraced life experiences, tried new things (not always good things) and laughed a lot.  People liked Old Old Lauren.

When Old Old Lauren went away to college, she had a blast.  She made new friends, stayed up late, slept late, went to class, skipped class, partied, and laughed a lot.  Old Old Lauren had dated a few guys in high school, but never had a boyfriend for more than a few months at a time.  In March of freshman year in college, Old Old Lauren met Ex-Husband (he deserved a name, too).  Ex-Husband really liked Old Old Lauren and she really liked him too.  They were attracted to each other, they liked to hang out together and they liked to binge drink with the rest of the college students — together.   Ex-Husband was a good guy, but in hindsight he was not very interested in Old Old Lauren.  He didn’t laugh at her jokes, he didn’t embrace her spontanaity or exuberance for life.   He really didn’t like that she got loud when in a social environment.  He didn’t get her.  Totally did not get what she was all about, nor appreciate the qualities that were, in essence, her.  That really should have been the end of it.  A few months of good times and then move on.  But Old Old Lauren, for whatever reason, got sucked in.  And then she started to disappear.  She started to internalize Ex-Husband’s reactions to her personality and she withdrew.  She stopped being funny.  She stopped being loud.  She stopped being social.  She stopped trying out new things.  She stopped laughing a lot. 

Enter: Old Lauren.  Old Old Lauren disappeared and was replaced with this dim version of her – Old Lauren.  Her family and friends noticed – but for the most part, the relationships just became more distant, more superficial.  No one really came out and said “OLD OLD LAUREN!??  ARE YOU THERE?  WHO IS THIS STICK IN THE MUD??”  Doubt she would have responded if they did.  So not only did Old Lauren become boring and withdrawn, but because she was not who she was designed to be she experienced internal conflict.  This conflict caused her pain that manifested in her becoming this tightly wound, judgemental, perfectionist as though she had something to prove.  It’s really too bad that Old Old Lauren allowed this to happen to herself. 

The good news is, Old Lauren got a glimpse of Old Old Lauren one night and started to evaluate her life.  Changes had to be made, because she could not go on like that forever.  Over the course of a year, she weighed her options and took the most difficult and courageous plan of action.  She left Ex-Husband to find Old Old Lauren.  Old Old Lauren is back, and better than ever because she has learned a lot along the way.  (And let’s just call her Lauren now – because Old Old Lauren isn’t very flattering.)  Lauren has been welcomed back with open arms by friends and family and she laughs… A LOT.

Tagged as: divorce, ex-husband, Single Mom