The Parental Paradigm – My Place as Single Mom

Since the day my ex-husband and I split up, I’ve gotten all kinds of unsolicited commentary on the decisions I’ve made.  Some judgmental,  some supportive, some concerned, some confused, and some just plain off base.  My friends are almost all children of unbroken homes.  I’m at an age when people are starting families, not ending them.  Women I know discuss the conflict of SAHM vs. WM; not joint custody vs. sole custody.  I can relate to most of their issues, concerns and everyday struggles and triumphs because I shared those same experiences once as well.  But even the people  nearest and dearest to me lack a real understanding of my experiences – and I don’t expect them to.  Not now, and not after reading this post.

I am not about to write about all of my experiences or emotions related to the single mom life I live.  I’m not going to complain about how hard it is for me (because it’s not).   I’m not even going to complain about the [banging piano] ex-husband.  What I am going to do is try to explain how I see myself fitting in to what  I call ”The Parental Paradigm.”  I mentioned on my about page that I have a very unique situation.  Not unlike the topic I discussed in Battle of the Baby Mamas, there is a tendency for people to misjudge/misunderstand/missticktheirnosein when it comes to single parenting.  So if you are another single mom, you may be thinking that my situation isn’t so unique.  What is it about my life that is so different than the struggles of every other single mom out there?  Well, here it is:  Braden lives half of his life with his dad.  HALF.  This type of joint custody arrangement is becoming more common as of late, but is still pretty rare.  That is what is unique about my situation.

So, as I also mentioned on my about page, in some ways I have it easier, and in some ways harder, than most moms - just not in the ways you might think.  One of the comments I get a lot is that it must be hard to be a single mom.  And it is.  Most single moms struggle to carry a load too heavy for one person to bear.   It’s hard to work a full day, come home and make dinner, feed a child, do the laundry, give a bath, kiss a boo-boo, read a story, clean up from dinner, pack the lunches, pay the bills and remember to breathe all in the same day with no one to help.  It’s hard to make ends meet on one income.  It’s hard to feel sane when there is no time to maintain a social life of one’s own.  This stuff is hard, I’m sure.  But I’m not speaking from experience.  My struggle is different.

For me, it’s not easy to have my son in our home only half the time.  It’s not easy to go to bed without tucking him in.  It’s not easy to not hear his laugh every day.  It’s not easy not knowing what he did in school, what he had for dinner, who he played with, what new phrase he used, how he got that bump on his head, etc.  See, half the time, my son is away from me.  This gives me half my time to fit in the things these other single moms can’t find time to do.  This gives me half of my at-home time to tend to myself, my social life, my relationship with my boyfriend, my chores, etc.  Leaving the other half to feed Braden, play a game, go for a walk, give him a bath, kiss him all over, read him three books before bed. For these reasons, I have it both easier and harder than other single moms.  Easier:  I’m not in it alone.  Harder: half the time, I’m all alone.

And this easy/hard thing can be used in comparison to all the married moms I know as well.  I am the only one of any of my friends with children to have free time.  Sure, some have easy access to babysitters and can get out more than others.  But even still, they have to rely on someone else, gauge whether a night out is worth burning the favor, come home and turn off social grown-up and turn on snuggly mommy.  (oooohh…  just typing that – that sounds so much better!  but I digress.)  I have free time.  Real, good old-fashioned, college-style free time.  Granted, I spend just about none of it doing college-style lazing around, but I suppose it’s nice to know I could if I really wanted to.  (Plus, it makes this post more interesting.)

But I don’t have a parental partner.  Someone to make the household decisions with.  Someone to run it past – what ever “it” may be.  Someone to help pick up this mess because I just can’t look at it anymore!  I don’t have someone to run out for the right kind of medicine (or a bottle of wine) in the middle of the night.  I don’t know how the choices I’ve made will affect my son’s future.  I don’t have the dad to sit next to and share stories with at the end of the day.  I don’t have someone (other than Dora) to occupy Braden when I have I need to do.  And I don’t have the security of knowing that tomorrow, someone will be there for us.  For these reasons, I have it both easier and harder than married moms.  Easier:  I have “me” time (which I hear is a pretty hot commodity).  Harder: my parental partner is remote, my love partner is remote, and I can’t find the remote.

This is where I see myself fitting in to The Parental Paradigm — for those of you who were wondering.  The bottom line is that we all have our struggles as parents.  Mine are different than yours, yours are different than his, his are different than hers.  Don’t assume that because I’m a single mom, I’ve got it bad.  Or that it’s bad for the reasons you might think.  I welcome the responsibility, the stress, the mess and the madness – because with it comes so much good.  More than anything, I just miss my boy.

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Tagged as: Braden, divorce, ex-husband, love, Parenting, Single Mom