Last Saturday, I had my boyfriend’s family over to celebrate Braden’s birthday (a.k.a. an excuse to make them all come up and get a glimpse of my life when I’m not visiting them). It was a great day, I loved having them and that’s not the point. Not even sure I have a point. Bear with me. At one point in the day, Doug’s dad opened my refrigerator and “informed” me that the light bulb had gone out. Funny. What light bulb!?
The fact of the matter is that there wasn’t a bulb in the fridge when I moved in, and more than two months later, there still isn’t. Which reminds me that there is something I had intended to write about a while back and never got around to it.
A girl in her early twenties generally takes one of two paths: get married, or don’t. And, like all decisions, the path chosen will dictate the rest of her life, in one way or another. A girl who choses “don’t,” will likely spend her twenties meeting people, discovering herself, going after her dreams, dating and, if she’s lucky, living alone. While I’m sure (as I have no experience in this path) that all of these are defining experiences which help mold a girl’s personality, perspective and future, that latter is the one I am going to focus on here. Living on your own is a time of skill acquisition. In the case of my peers, we’re talking about suburban domestic survival skills here.
A girl who choses “get married,” in her early twenties likely went from childhood home to college dorm to starter home, without much opportunity to develop some suburban domestic survival skills of her own. In talking with fellow [shouldn't there be a more feminine word option here?] divorcees, I’ve learned that there’s so much a woman who chose “get married,” relied on her husband to do. And now, on her own for the first time ever as a 30- or 40-something, she’s left to ask, “you mean I have to do that?”
And the answer is “YES!” (Unless, of course, you want your house to burn down, your furnace to break down or your heat bill to take you down.)
In the case of my married life, when it came to the kinds of things I’m talking about, I was the “man” of the house. I took care of the home maintenance; even the more traditionally male tasks. There’s really no excuse for the missing bulb in my fridge, other than sheer forgetfulness.
But I wonder what responsibilities fall in this category for all of you newly-single women who have never been on your own before – and whether there are similarities in your lists. I’d guess I’m covering some common ones in the list below.
- Changing smoke detector batteries (same goes for CO2 monitors)
- Changing light bulbs
- Changing furnace filters
- Winterizing
- Auto maintenance (tire rotations, oil changes, etc.)
- Reaching high-placed items
- Lifting/moving heavy items
- Lawn care
- Painting
- Picture hanging
- Other minor repairs requiring breaking into the tool box
Am I on track? What am I missing? And more importantly, how are you dealing?
Other MLI Discussions:
MLI Discussion: How do you help when there’s nothing you can do to help?
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
You forgot “stocking the toolbox”
I don’t think I would be who I am today if I didn’t have those five single, independent years! Every women deserves and needs to learn how to be indepenent. Unfortuantely, when you’re young and single you don’t realize this and you want to be married. Then you’re married and wished you’d had some youth independence!
Melanie, I completely agree! I’m glad that I’m having a chance to be on my own. I obviously didn’t have that before, and this time has been all the things I mentioned but did not focus on in this post, only in my thirties rather than twenties — meeting people, discovering myself, going after my dreams, etc. I can’t imagine having lived a life without ever experiencing this. (And I pass no judgment on those who do, I’m just glad I discovered it wasn’t for me.)
Well honey I can do all the things you listed and I have a husband, anything more complicated my husbands favorite response is “call someone”. So that is my responsibility to call that someone to fix the problem!!!
Joan, sounds to me like you have shared these responsibilities with your husband, as I did. (Well, I don’t know that I shared them, but that’s neither here nor there). But so many young married women haven’t had to take care of those things. Sure she is CAPABLE, but when starting over, each task acts as a “light bulb,” in the realization that she is solely responsible. I think that is what I’m getting at here.
I love that your responsibility is to “call someone.” Too funny. I’ll remember that, and next time I need something, I’ll call YOU!
I have your Dad. Nuff said.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, mom. Stop bragging.
Or send him back up this way!
Love this post Lauren! I lived alone for a 6 year period where I had only myself to rely on to take care of the “fun” stuff that life throws at us:) Here is my most memorable experience.
I Accidentally flushed a lotion bottle down the toilet one day, a few days later the toilet decided to overflow and pump out water for 20 mins… before I learned to turn the nob next to the toilet to shut off the water! Yeah, most people know that knob exists but I didn’t.
Great story, Sylvia! Hilarious! I don’t think I would have thought to turn the water off either – and I know about the knob. I’m just bad in a crisis – I panic. (I just hope I never end up stranded on an island or something. I’d never recall the important items and how to use them in those survival exercises they do in team building workshops!)
A girl friend sent me this email, regarding this post:
Hi Lauren!
Here are some funny links for hiring a husband when you need fixing doneJ When I moved here I saw a company van for “hire a husband”. I thought that was an awesome idea for a company or even a side job. These companies are all over the place!
http://www.hire-a-hubby.com/
http://www.rentahusband.com/franchise.htm
“RENT-A-HUSBAND® does everything from cleaning out your garage, to hanging your pictures, to installing your ceiling fans, to building you a beautiful new deck or porch. We’ve found that homeowners love the idea of one stop shopping. We’ll complete and manage the entire project so you have no need to negotiate and schedule with multiple vendors.
RENT-A-HUSBAND® hires “husbands” who specialize in different areas of home repair, maintenance, and improvement. This way you’ll get an expert who can handle your specific project or “honey do list” rather than a “jack of all trades” who’s not a master of what you happen to need”.
To which I replied:
This is too funny! I totally forgot to mention the “hubby-for-hire” idea in that post. I thought about it as I was developing the post, but then forgot to fit it in. A friend of mine is a single 31-year-old guy, never married. He’s really handy and we joked that he should start a hubby-for-hire business. He said, “Yeah, they can pay me to sit on the couch while they grab me a beer.”
Never lived alone either. I’ve become pretty handy after 8 years of mortgage paying.
I hate waiting for my husband to do anything, so I usually figure out a way to do it myself. Once I even hung cabinets in my basement all by myself!
That doesn’t surprise me, Liv. Growing up with my dad around will do that to ya!
Just kidding. Really though, you’ve always been so self-sufficient and crafty. Handy is just a culmination of the two!
I really liked reading your post and the comments. I completely agreed with you… until I read a few post. I was reminded of my years being married to a man who wouldn’t “allow” me to change a light bulb or write a check… certainly I couldn’t balance the check book or pay a bill. I had a BA and MA and had worked and been independent before marrying him. Somehow, over the years, he convinced me I was incapable of taking care of anything. (Ie, He would make me unload the dirty dishes from the dishwasher, only to reload them while he read me the Manuel!) The only thing more bizarre than his behavior…was mine. I allowed this to happen and I lost myself.
I’ve been divorced for 7 years now. I am much more at peace with my list of things I need to get done than I would be with my ex telling me how incapable I am because I use blue ink instead of black ink in the checkbook. I’ve learned how to use an electric drill. I know the difference between a concrete drill bit and a wood drill bit and I use them both often. I feel very proud that I have taught myself how do do so many things.
WIth that said~
I DO wish sometimes there was someone to come take care of those things I don’t seem to have the time or energy to take care of. I wouldn’t trade my life though. I just wish I could get caught up.
A note on your boyfriend’s dad: I wish he had just gone to the hardware store and come back with a light bulb. There’s really no need to tell you. It’s criticizing you in a way. I know a couple guys who would simply take care of it, quietly and without show. I’m trying to be that person myself. I’m trying to raise my boys to be a Man of humility and service.
Today…I’m just trying to get the laundry done
Stephanie – thanks for stopping by and reading the blog! I love hearing from new single moms! I, personally, am pretty capable on my own, as you describe yourself to be. But I do know a lot of divorcees who were more dependent on their husbands to handle the “man” jobs and once they were on their own, they struggled with some of this stuff.
I can’t believe what you had to live with and I’m sorry that you endured that experience in your marriage. However, you are probably so much stronger now having come out of that experience. Good for you!!
As for my boyfriend’s dad – he’s a GREAT man whom I love and (I think) loves me too. I know that he was just teasing. It’s all in jest; we joke around with each other. His comment was welcome. It was just a reminder that I had been meaning to write about this topic!
I hope you’ll visit again.
P.S. You should see my dirty laundry pile right now. (More like sea, really.)
Hi Lauren,
I’m SO glad your boyfriend’s dad loves you!!! What a huge blessing. I guess I was reading your words through “my” experiences and falsely assumed he was criticizing you…only because I was re-living a condemning time in my life as I typed.
YEA for you!!!!
Oh, and I have a question for you, Stephanie. I am currently developing a co-parenting plan with my ex. One of the sections is on values and how to instill certain values. I would like to include humility and service. Do you have any tips on how to raise boys with these qualities?
Stephanie, you have so many reasons to be so, so proud of yourself. Wishing you a happy, happy life.