More than two years post-divorce and it’s still strange to me that I have a son, yet I share a last name with my parents and younger, unwed sister. A Navratil again – better yet, still.
There are so many factors to consider when deciding whether to change your name after divorce — pros and cons for each option. Believe me, I’ve considered them all.
When Ex-Husband and I first split, I thought I’d keep my married name. For one, I had gotten used to it. Secondly, I didn’t miss having to spell out my name with as-ins: N as in Nancy, A, V as in Victor, R, A, T as in Tom, I, L as in Lawrence. (In fact, when I first changed back, I forgot about this — but was quickly reminded of its necessity.) But most importantly, I thought that it would be better for Braden if we shared the same last name. Better how? Not too sure. But it sounded appropriate.
So I kept my married name… until the last possible minute.
When I realized that my 12-month window to change my name back to Navratil was closing, I felt an urgent need to take advantage of it. Why? Because the year following divorce was a major adjustment period, and as I was reaching the final weeks of it, I realized how much I had changed.
I was so far detached from who I was as a wife. In one sense, I had rediscovered my old self — the person I remembered from the days before I met Ex-Husband. In another, I had begun a journey of spiritual and emotional growth and was becoming a more authentic version of myself. Changing my name back seemed a suitable way to commemorate that. And so I did.
I’m glad to be a Navratil again. It feels right. It’s me, it’s my family, it’s my past and my future.
I’m curious… did you keep your married name after divorce? Why or why not?
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Heck no! I was only married for about a year, and I didn’t have any children, so it was kind of a no-brainer for me to take my maiden name back. It was such a relief. I can see how it would be more complicated w/ kids involved or if you’d been married for a long time, though!
Emma – I agree that kids and length of marriage are big factors. I was married 5 years — if I got used to my married name in that time, I can only imagine if I was married 15!
Lauren, my thought process was quite similar to yours- minus the child. I had gotten used to my married name, and it was easier to spell than my maiden name… But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn’t like who I was when I was married. I wanted to return to the “old me”… I wanted that person to live again. So I dumped the married name as soon as I could.
Yeah, I bet you have to spell yours out often. At least you probably don’t need as-ins with your letters!
Great Question!
Surprisingly, I had the complete opposite experience. I couldn’t seem to change my name when I got married! For months, I intended on going down to the Social Security Office to make it official, then journey on down to DMV for my new license…but never actually did. I remember looking at the marriage license sitting on my desk, laying there as a mental reminder, thinking ‘Oh yeah, I should go do that.’
Looking back at it, I think it was a sign. A sign that my subconscious was not 100% sold on the idea of marrying my ex.
Either way, my procrastination – or subconscious protest to marriage – (however you want to look at it) sure made things easier for me when we split…the only thing I had in my married name was a Costco Membership Card
.-= Single Soccer Mom´s last blog ..Oh Right, I’m a Mom =-.
Well, wasn’t that convenient!
Your situation was so similar to mine, that I was looking forward to your response, wondering if you had the same thoughts on the matter. I guess you were one step ahead of me!
There is a part of me that wants to change my name back, for all the reason you guys mentioned. I didn’t like the person I was, I want to get back to my authentic self… the bastard tried to shoot me and is now sitting his crazy ass in jail. It might make me slightly harder to find later… Many many reasons.
But I didn’t for only one reason… my four children asked me not to. They don’t want us to have different names. They have lost so much; their home, friends, school, father, sense of security. This was a small thing that I could give them.
So I will keep my married name for them.
.-= Little Ol’ Me´s last blog ..This and That =-.
Little Ol’ Me – I see why you would want to change your last name, but absolutely understand why you kept it. When kids are old enough to understand their last name and have some sense of familial comfort in sharing it, I see how it would be harder to change it. Your children are lucky they have you, with all that they have been through.
I did keep my married name. I was married for 15 years so… I’m kind of used to it. And yes, I did want to keep the same name as my daughters.
If I remarry, would I change it again? Now that is the real question…
.-= T´s last blog ..The storm before the calm =-.
Great question and like you, I first thought I’d keep mine too, even though we were only married 3 years and did not have kids, I just thought it’d be easier. but I soon realized that I wanted to shed the name, and be ME again…and it felt so right. I’m not sure I’d change my name again if I ever do remarry…but never say never!
T and Jolene – You add a very interesting dynamic to the discussion that I didn’t think to mention. Potential remarriage was actually one of my “pros” for changing my name back to my maiden name. I figured that if Braden and I shared a last name and one day I changed it when I got remarried, it might somehow feel to him like I was choosing my identity as new husband’s wife over my identity as Braden’s mom. But if Braden and I always had different last names, then taking a new one would not have any such symbolism. Just my over-analytical reasoning.
So, I will probably take a new last name should I ever remarry. Unless, of course, it’s a horrible last name — I already have one of those!!
I did change my name after my divorce – although I took my husband’s name when we married, there was always a part of me that wished I hadn’t. His heritage is Eastern European and his name was so not me. My children didn’t mind in the slightest.
I did a whole series on name changes on my blog a while back – I don’t think there is a right answer to this. It depends so much on the situation and the personalities involved. My series culminated in Nine Questions to Ask about Changing Your Name – http://sincemydivorce.com/nine-questions-about-name-changes-after-divorce/
.-= Mandy´s last blog ..The courage to confront your marriage =-.
Mandy – I’m looking forward to checking out that series! It is one I have overlooked on your site.
I’m glad your children understood your name change. I bet it’s nice to have their support when making the tough choices!
Great question!
I was married for a little more than three years and changed my name back. My son completely understands and accepts we have different last names and I really wanted my name back.
Plus, I wouldn’t ever want to have the same last name as the ex-husband’s new wife!
.-= Penelope´s last blog ..Why I Run =-.
Good point, Pen. Very good point!
I’m still deciding. I’m torn. So torn.
.-= KT´s last blog ..missing my kids, again and again =-.
You’ll figure it out.
I hope that reading what others have done is a bit helpful.
I am with Single Soccer Mom. I never changed my name to begin with – definitely think it was a subconscious thing but also the fact that my soon-to-be Ex H had numerous financial issues and I didn’t want to end up like the “free credit report.com” commercial where they live in her mom’s basement….
Plus, my last name is soooo sooo much cooler……
My impending divorce situation is a bit unique in that my soon-to-be ex is still a very dear friend and a wonderful person. We have been married for 8+ years but have grown apart; we’re more buddies than husband/wife (passion-less). I proudly changed my name to his when we married and, now, WANT to keep a piece of that history with me. Not in an unhealthy way but, again, because I’m proud of all we accomplished and the time we shared. I’m just uncertain how I ‘use’ my name if I decide to hyphenate it (my maiden-his name). Would I alway have to hyphenate on legal docs or will one or the other name suffice since both are listed (specifically driver’s license for at the airport and travel tickets, passport, tax prep forms, etc.)? Thoughts/experiences would be very helpful…
Beth, I wrote a blog post about this too http://normallemons.wordpress.com/2010/06/08/what%e2%80%99s-in-a-last-name/
You’ll have to sign your hyphenated name on legal documents, but with everything else, you can have some flexibility. I did it so that I could have flexibility with my kids (3 kids, 2 different husbands). I can be “Mrs. X” with the older kids and “Mrs. Y” with the baby.
I haven’t changed my name on my license yet, or my bank account, but I do carry the notarized name change in my wallet just in case.
My former husband hit me out of the blue with the divorce. After nearly 38 years, he had a girlfriend. Looking back, I really don’t believe she was the first.
When I first thought of legally changing back to my maiden name, I asked both of my kids (adult +) how they would feel. Separately, they both said it was fine with them and they understood why I would want to change back. It will be two years July 24th since the final judgment. About every three or four months I start to sign somethiing with his name – great progress. Heavy burden lifted – slips are allowed.
Life is very good . . .