For those of us who share our stories of successful co-parenting, thriving after divorce and personal growth, we often feel as though we are preaching to the choir. Who reads our stories, tips, opinions? Other people like us, who agree with us. On some random website, to which I’ve already lost the link (shame on me), I found a good definition of “preaching to the choir”:
“To commend an opinion to those who already accept it.”
So how do we get our message across to those who need to hear it? To the people who are suffering after divorce? To those who are creating a painful environment for their children through poor co-parenting practices? To those who feel they have nothing to learn, no room to grow, and it is the world around them that must change?
We do this by continuing to set a good example, but more importantly by offering an open, welcoming, non-judgmental community. And by being vulnerable, ourselves. Deesha Philyaw of Co-Parenting 101, Dr. Leah Klungness of The SingleMommyHood and I have discussed this before. Dr. Leah helped me open my mind and my heart.
“The example of those “not in denial” is eye-opening for those who are still struggling with terrible emotional pain. Personal growth is always a process… some people just take longer to get there. And having the patience to “deal” in the meantime often feels like more than we can do.”
It would be easy to point a finger and say “you’re doing a terrible job at this,” or “buck up,” or “because you are causing your kids pain, you’re a terrible person.” But who am I to judge these people? It’s not as though I got to where I am with a snap of a finger.
There was a time when I was not at my best after the divorce. There was a time when Ex-Husband and I were so at odds over our son’s living arrangements that we had to involve a mediator. There was a time when I had so much anger and frustration with Ex-Husband that I was tracking every little thing he did that I considered to be wrong. (Notice that I itialicized “I” and “wrong” because it was my subjective, biased opinion; I realize that now.) We all must go through our own process and will get here at our own pace, but the hope is that we all do get here eventually.
Perhaps by sharing our stories of the bad times that have led us to the good, we can help these people see that there is hope. Perhaps it can help them to recognize the consequences of their behavior, turn their actions toward the best interest of their children, and turn their hearts toward personal growth. We can offer a place for them to come, we can share our experiences and observations, but only they can get themselves beyond the pain, anger, blame, despair, whatever-it-may-be.
It’s not just the choir who reads My Life, Incomplete. Recently, I’ve discovered that I have some readers who fall into the category of people still struggling with the terrible emotional pain that divorce can bring. And I welcome them with open arms.
You’ll get there, in your own time. Your own happiness and future depend on it.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Very well said Lauren. Thanks for reaching beyond and truly thinking with compassion. It’s always easier to understand those folks who seem most like us, but it’s a game changer to really bridge the gap towards the ‘other’.
People who are struggling need to be listened to and appreciated.
We’re never ready for the next step until we’re ready.
.-= Kerri´s last blog ..Mercury Retrograde? =-.
Thank you for stopping by, Kerri!
I totally agree — it is easier for us to understand those most like us. I, personally, find the compassion for and acceptance of those who aren’t through the realization that I have either been where they are, or could be one day. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that we are all people just doing the best we know how at the time.
It’s much easier to judge and dismiss than it is to understand and accept. But in doing so, we perpetuate the problem rather than help solve it.
Really a great post! I find it’s like a roller coaster sometimes…you think you’re done and surprise, you are so not. It’s good to have lots of people around you, even if it’s in the blogosphere, for support when you need it (and for celebrating when you can!)
Have a wonderful night!
Swati
.-= Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..Top 10 Things Women Should Know About Fibroids =-.
So true, Swati! Ex-Husband and I have really found our sweet spot over the past 8 months or so, but every so often we encounter a kink. I guess it’s inevitable, for all of us. The fact is that no matter how well we co-parent, we are, in fact, co-parents because we’re doing this with our exes. And they are our exes for a reason.
Great post! I needed to hear this today. For whatever reason, I require lots of affirmation about this work these days. It’s easy to question whether what you’re doing really matters, whether anyone is truly being touched. But, I’ve come to the point where all I can do is believe that the passion for this work is in me for a reason. The external confirmation may *not* always be there, but the call to continue remains. I do this because families are suffering, but also because it stretches me, too, and makes me better in countless ways. Thanks, again, for your post, Lauren. It touched me.
.-= Talibah´s last blog ..Got it Covered? Insurance Tips for Busy Co-Parents =-.
Talibah – I can relate very much to “it stretches me, too, and makes me better in countless ways.” I actually started this blog as a way to reach others who might benefit from what I’ve learned from my experiences, but over the past six months, I’ve learned and grown tremendously in the process. I’m so glad there are others out there like you with whom I’m honored to share this space!
I couldn’t agree with you more. I count my blessings every week that goes by that there is no drama in my communications with my ex. We were very close to mediation because he is.. and always has been… a very angry person. So me leaving him…. really only spiralled that…. and the whole time all I could think was… OH my GAWD…. how am I going to shelter my daughter from this????? I couldn’t control what he did and said to her when I was not in the picture… and I have learned sooo much… like how sometimes keeping your mouth shut… when all you want to do is scream!!! YOU IDIOT!! but i vowed never to speak negatively in front of or in any presence of my daughter… which basically resulted in only communicating via email…. Im knocking on wood because it has been months since he has had any nasty outbursts…. and our custody arrangement is actually working… with various kinks… that I can deal with… it does get easier with time… but not for everyone… believe me… it has been a long road for us…. and i fear the rollercoaster that is my coparent… is not over… there are many more hurdles to overcome…. but I think that as long as you keep your child’s needs being met as your main goal (even if that means involving outsiders)…. you will all come out of it okay…. I think people don’t come to read blogs such as yours Lauren… unless they are open to moving past the hurt and anger…. I know I personally searched long and hard to find supportive blogs or any reading material for that matter…. that didn’t tell me I was a complete and utter failure for leaving…. that was hard….. I try to share the positives that have come out of all of this… the hurdles… and the hardships… especially when talking with mom’s who are still with their SO’s… because we all had SO’s at some point… you never know when your own neighbor is going to find themselves in the ’single parent’ abyss…..
Hi Lauren – there are many blog readers who will never comment but you know you’re reaching people because they do come back and they stay on your site for a while. I have no doubt that what you are doing is valuable.
Not only is the timing of figuring things out with your ex very individual, I also believe that how you do it is individual. It might be easy/obvious to say, you have assert your needs but you have to find a way to do that, that is being true to yourself.
.-= Mandy´s last blog ..The courage to confront your marriage =-.
Hey Mandy! Thanks for the reassurance. That’s a really good point — I do have a lot of returning visitors who never comment. They must come for something!