Two to three Thursdays a month, anxiety begins to set in just after cleaning up from dinner. In just a couple of hours, I’ll need to pack a bag — once again. Friends and family find it amusing that packing stresses me out so badly, because I do it so often. It does so because I’m not packing to go on a planned getaway, for which I know how my days and evenings will be spent. I’m packing to go live my regular life somewhere else for a few days, less my regular life belongings. To me, that is very stressful.
In fact, I hate it. I hate that I can never just settle down and be comfortable in one place for a long duration of time. I hate that the person I love most in this world (aside from my son, of course) lives two hours away from me. I hate that I have to choose between time with him and time with my girlfriends.
I hate it. But I love him, which makes it worth it.
Every day I make grown-up decisions — some easier than others. I have the ability to weigh my options, consider the consequences, and make intentional sacrifices. However, Braden does not.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about how unfair it is to Braden that he has to live this way, too. With our 50/50 physical custody arrangement, Braden is always moving from one home to the other; never able to settle down and get comfortable in one place for a long duration of time. Time spent with certain people he loves must occur exclusive of time spent with others.
I can choose. I hate the back and forth. I hate the drive. I hate that if I forget my book at home, it means I can’t read it. But I make that choice every time I pack my bag.
Not Braden. We just make him do it. It is so unfair to him. And I struggle with how to help his father see that.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
AWESOME post, my friend.
I remind myself that every single day: Aidan didn’t choose to be a child of divorce, Aidan didn’t choose to have two homes, Aidan didn’t choose to spend most of his time with mom. And it is my job to make all transitions as seamless as possible for him. It’s hard, but I think that’s the best I can do–remember it’s not his choice, my choices make his life what it is and I better do everything I possibly can to be selfless and make that boy’s two home situation as “settled down” as possible.
Again, great post.
.-= Penelope´s last blog ..As I Watched =-.
Wow–I wrote a diary entry a month or so ago that was very similar to this–it was captioned “Now I know how children of divorce feel.” The post was a reaction to the fact that my husband is retired and lives most of his life in North Carolina on a 40 foot sailboat that he loves. And that we live in Denver. And in Denver, we have large home that we share with my oldest son, his wife and their two daughters (whom I adore). In the diary, I wrote “You are so happy that you are going to go see someone you love so much, and you are so sad that you are leaving someone you love so much.” Every transition is an emotional upheaval.
And for us, there is no way to reconcile these two lives (just like children of divorce). There is no body of water large enough to hold the boat near Denver. We have lived in Denver all our married life, so almost all my friends are there. The things I love to do are there. The boat is nice. I like my time on it. But I get homesick for my family, friends and life in Denver. But when I am in Denver I feel like the Dixie Chicks’ song lyric “without you, I am not okay.” It pretty much sucks. And now I know how my oldest son (the child of divorce) lived his whole life. I have long recommended to friends (and have one who is trying it) that they get a house for the child(ren) and they move in and out per their shared custody arrangement, because, as you so aptly put it, the child did not choose this–they should get to have one home. I doubt this situation can work for long (as people remarry and have additional children), but it can be a good transition for as long as practical.
I know exactly how you feel! I worry about my kids in this situation all the time. Girl#1 eve told me she hates it b/c she never settles in. Poor thing. their dad says “they are fine.” And I’m sure they are, but wouldn’t they be better if they could feel like they had A HOME?
I know that 50-50 custody makes sense. the kids get equal time with 2 parents who love them and care for them. And I like to see that so many dads aren’t bailing on their kids. But I also see how hard it is on the kids too.
.-= KT´s last blog ..would you all do me a favor? =-.
Ahhh, the joys of a long distance relationship. I feel your pain!!!
My children only see their father once a week and every other weekend. I feel bad too. They’ll get birthday party invitations for the weekends they are with their dad. And I know that he won’t take them. When they get back to our house, they’re VERY thankful to be home. My problem is different that yours. They don’t feel at home at all in their dad’s house.
Maybe Braden doesn’t hate it? Maybe it is fun for him to have two homes, two rooms, two sets of rules, two different refrigerators to snack from? I try not to project how I feel about my ex-husband’s relationship with the kids. They may be perfectly fine with “visiting” daddy every other weekend and his seeming lack of involvement otherwise. It may be like a little vacation of sorts for them. I don’t know.
At this point in my LDR, my trips to visit my man feel like a vacation to me.
Oh but yes, the drive does suck.
.-= T´s last blog ..Gratitude for the Weekend =-.
As usual a very well written, insightful article.
I agree with the woman who says “Maybe Braden doesn’t hate it.” It’s his life. It’s what he knows. Be confident that it’s a good life filled with love–and a lot of motion. Never make him feel “we have to…” Try to make him feel, “we get to…” Keep the right spin on it and he’ll pick up on that. It’s amazing how kids sense and copy their parents’ feelings and attitudes. You have your writing to vent…that’s a very good thing.
Thank you for this Lauren. I try to remind myself also that my child did not choose this and that I need to be congnizant of that fact and appreciate some of the struggles that our adult choices have created for him. I also agree w/ the previous 2 comments about not projecting or assuming. I hope that my son can grow up feeling loved by a whole bunch of people in a whole bunch of different places. And I hope that my perspective and support can make all those transitions a little better for him.
Hang in there!
I’m not sure anyone can really understand what it’s like unless they’ve lived it themselves. Always being jostled. Not having a real strong sense of home. As an advocate (like you) for children of divorce, I am strongly in favor of a strong presence by both parents in all children’s lives. But when it comes to actual physical custody….I’m not a fan. I wrote a post about it called, Equal Physical Custody? You Try It.
No parent wants to sacrifice time with their child, but sometimes it’s up to the parents to put the benefit of their children before their own wants.
Awesome post!
.-= Carolyn (the grown up child)´s last blog ..Spoiled by divorce? You’ve got to be kidding. =-.
I think I’m fortunate not to have a 50/50 custody. My kids are supposed to go to their dad overnight on Wednesdays and every other weekends. My 17 YO however, goes less than that. He lives about five minutes from me so it makes it easy to go between houses. And my ex is and always has been very flexible about the time they spend there. If they have a big day at school the next day, or a big homework project to work on, they often say they want to stay with me and he’s OK with that.
Right from the beginning, I’ve worked to make sure my children know this is their home (hopefully they feel that they have two) and as their home, they are free to come and go as they need – they don’t need a reservation to come here. If they want to come here on their dad’s parenting time then I insist they talk to him about it and give me the courtesy of letting me know they’re coming.
.-= Mandy´s last blog ..Creating home after divorce =-.
I’ve struggled with that one since the day we separated and so has my daughter…. and she continues to… and may for the rest of her life. It’s so hard when all you want is to give them the ‘normal’ life… I just try to stress upon her that she is loved…. no matter where she is…and I think that is the most important piece in all of this. But I completely feel your pain…
Wow! All of you! What wonderful, thoughtful comments. Thank you for your contribution!!
@Penelope – I’m so glad you like the post. I really value your opinion, so when I get a thumbs up from you, I’m a happy camper!
@G Burke – You know what they say about great minds… We have talked about your bird’s nest idea at length in the past. I think it sounds ideal, yet impractical for my situation. I’d love to hear more about your friend’s experience.
@T, Caryn and Heather – I appreciate the perspective. I certainly do try to create a positive environment. We encourage Braden to look forward to time with the other parent while enjoying the present time. He even likes to say that his dad and I get to “share” him. Sometimes he’ll say “I don’t want to go to my dad’s today,” and I’ll say “Braden,” and before I can finish, he’ll say, “I know, but we need to share.” And the way he says it communicates that he’s proud that he understands it and that he thinks it’s kind of neat. But in my opinion, his acceptance of his circumstances doesn’t mean that they are ideal. He has nothing to compare them to…
@Carolyn – I read your post Equal Physical Custody? You Try It. THANK YOU for that post. Just as with the “Awesome Little Team” situation, your perspective as an adult who has been in my son’s shoes is very reassuring. Not reassuring that I’ve done or am doing the right thing, but that I may just be in tune with my son’s experience and his needs.
@Mandy – I agree, I think you and (especially) your children are fortunate not to have 50/50 physical custody. I believe a child needs a sense of home — one home.
My concern for Braden runs deeper than just the inconvenience and instability. I’m also concerned about the affects that five days away from his mom on a regular basis (at his age) may have. I’m concerned about separation anxiety and dependency. I’m concerned about so much that I have decided to seek out the professional advice of a child psychologist. My ex doesn’t think that this is necessary, or even valid, but I do. I hope to learn more about how divorce and parenting schedules affect young children, how Braden is coping, and what I can do as a mom to create the best possible environment for him and to help him cope. I wish my ex saw the value in that type of professional input, but I can’t let the fact that he doesn’t keep me from doing what feels right for my little boy.