My four-year-old boy loves to be cozy — cozy socks, cozy blankets, cozy jammies.
He loves to wear a belt, and even if it looks silly, he likes to tuck his t-shirt so he can see the belt when he looks down.
His favorite colors are black and purple, like Ravage, the Transformer.
He always makes you play the bad guy and he gets to be the good guy.
He likes to race, hates to lose.
Socks drive him crazy — always too tight, too bunchy or too hard.
He loves his mommy and he compliments me on my clothes and jewelry almost every day because he thinks they make me look pretty.
He likes to buy me little presents and bring me flowers.
He prefers veggies over junk food because he wants to be strong and healthy.
He likes to “exercise” and show me his “muscles.”
He has trouble putting his thoughts into words and gets very frustrated when he can’t communicate something clearly.
He loves to help, so he always gets the mail, unloads the silverware from the dishwasher and opens and closes the garage door.
I know everything there is to know about my little guy.
But I couldn’t tell you what he’s doing today. I don’t know the first words out of his mouth this morning. I don’t know what jammies he’s wearing or what he had for breakfast. I don’t know if he’ll go to the pool or the park, ride his bike or go for a walk, play with kids or just his dog. I won’t know what bedtime story he reads, if the thunderstorm will keep him up or if he’ll think of me before he falls asleep. He spends half his life in his other home, and I don’t have a clue what he’s doing at this very moment.
The saying “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” has taken on a whole new meaning. And believe me, this hurts.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Your love for your son shines brightly in your writings! Some children aren’t as fortunate. Some ex-spouses HATE their ex more than they LOVE their kids. By showing disrespect and hatred toward your ex is sending all the wrong emotions. How will that child enter into a good marriage someday? Please stop and think of what you are doing. Teach love and respect for everyone including your ex! Children learn by example. Your blog shows that you believe this and try to show both sides of divorce. GOOD PARENTING!!
Awwww, B is a lucky boy….has the greatest MOM!!!!!
Nan and Joanie, thank you both. A compliment like that from two of the best in the business is truly humbling. xoxo
I feel that post…. with every fibre of my being…. it is a pain like nothing else I could ever have imagined I would ever feel… and it never gets easier for me… everyone tells me it will… but it never does…
I know this is one thing that is particularly difficult for you on a daily basis, as we’ve discussed in blog land or via email before (can’t remember which). For me, it has gotten easier in the routine sense. I’m *used to* the schedule. I’m *used to* my days both with and without my son. But you can never get *used to* the ache for your absent child. I know what you mean.
I just love you.
This is an ache that is hard to describe to those who haven’t had to experience it–you’ve done it well here. Thinking of you.
You’re an AWESOME mother and B is so lucky to have you.
xoxo
.-= Penelope´s last blog ..Spilling Love- Cleaning up Oil =-.
And I you, Pen. xoxo
Aw. He sounds like my 5 year old daughter.
*sigh*
Yeah. I feel you. Big hugs for you, Momma.
.-= T´s last blog ..An Examination of Marriage- Putting all of my proverbial eggs in one proverbial basket =-.
Which part, T? So curious! And I love hearing about other little sweeties!
Just saw this – I know exactly what you mean. I am only truly one month in and it is hard! I thought I would get “so much done” the times my Bear was at his Dad’s – not so much. I sometimes just sit, staring off into space, bored. This is a good week – I get my baby boy with me 5 days straight!
As others have said, you are amazing and B is a very lucky little boy!
Arizona — I hear you on the “so much done.” When I first split with my ex, I thought I’d get all my chores done when my son was with his dad, and then be totally available to devote my full attention to him when I had him. What an unexpected, unpleasant surprise it was to learn that I needed the days “off” to wallow, sleep, basically be useless. For me, that leveled off around 9-12 months post-split. BUT I still do grocery shopping with Braden rather than without because I HATE IT and it is so much more fun in his company!
Lauren,
This was such an amazing article. So beautifully written. I haven’t experienced this but you brought tears to my eyes. You truly express yourself well and about things that are so meaningful–even beyond the demographic you appeal to. Keep on writing girl. You are special.
Thank you, Caryn. That means a lot coming from a glutten for literature, such as yourself.
Gotta tell ya – I just found this and you, and this post – holy man Lauren…did you hit it on the head – couldn’t have put it better myself! Don’t know what they are doing tonight – won’t get to put them to bed or make sure that they’ve been given hugs and kisses goodnight – burns a hole in my heart 1/2 of my days – and you are correct….nothing hurts worse.
HEIDI!!! You have made my day — maybe my week. How nice to hear from you, and here of all places.
I know you know this as well as me, if not twice as well, given that you have two boys to miss. It’s as though no words can describe it, no matter how many times I try to capture it here, it never quite does the trick. Y’know?
xoxo